bancuri

[•svalentin]

There is a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon.
Here is the end of the story with different kind of metalheads as knights.

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.


* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f**ks her.


* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f**ks the princess.


* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep  because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.


* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.


* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f**ks the princess and kills her, then leaves.


* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.


* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f**ks the princess and kills her. Then he f**ks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f**k*s the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f**ks it for the last time.


* GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.


* GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.


* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.


* INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by
security guards.


* SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.


* CHRISTIAN METAL

The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."


* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.


* BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.


* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.


* EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.


* GRUNGE
The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other mosha's due to the over consumption of white cider.


* POP-PUNK
The dragon can't eat the protagonist because he can't catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won't f**k him either, because he likes ska.

[•adib]

)

[u-92]

http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/top10/10blackmetal.html
http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/top10/10blackmetal2.html
 

[•wefgef]

http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/top10/10blackmetal.html
http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/top10/10blackmetal2.html
 

=)) merita dani locuri mai fruntase.

[•Coty]

tare comentariul ultimei poze de pe al doilea site 
oricum... progressive si gothic nu sunt cam acelasi lucru?

[Later edit] nu, nu e acelasi lucru

[•adib]

imi place battle-u   

[•megabyte]

 O blonda calatorea cu o masina decapotabila , ajunge la un semafor si intalneste un cershetor:
-Hai tanti da zece mii , sa-ti ajute dumnezeu ......, ii da 10 mii si pleaca
peste 5 minute ajunge la alt semafor si acelasi cershetor:
-Hai tanti mai daa 10 mii ca mi fome si sa-mi iau ceva de mancare...
peste inca 5 minute ajunge iar la semafor si cersetorul ii zice:
-Tanti ca sa no mai lungim atata dami 1000000 si te scot din giratoriu 

[cristi8]

In fata gradinitei se plimba de vreo 10 minute un barbat. Educatoarea: Asteptati un copil? Nu doamna, asa sunt eu, gras...

Un om intra in dormitor, cu o capra in brate. Sotia era intinsa in pat, citind o carte. Omul spune: - Uite draga asta este vaca cu care fac sex cand tu ai migrene. Sotia raspunde: - Daca n-ai fi asa de prost poate ai realiza ca aceasta este o capra. La care omul zambeste: - Daca n-ai fi asa de proasta ai realiza ca vorbeam cu capra...

[•devilkind]

3 programatori :1 de la windows, 1 de la Solaris si unu de la Linux.

Se duce cel de la windows la baie. Dupa ce iesa foloseste jumatate din sapunul lichid si jumatate de sul de hartie igienica.
-bai noi la microsoft am invatat ca nu conteaza cate resurse materiale foloseshti dak produsul iesa bine.
Se duce cel de la Solaris. Dupa ce iesa foloseshte mai putin sapun si mai putina hartie igienica.
-noi la Sun am invatat ca dak functionabilitatea programului ramane aceeasi in proportie de 90% mai putem reduce din resurse.
Intra cel de la Linux. Cand iesa acesta nu se mai spala pe maine.
Astia stupefiati il intreaba:
- Tu nu te speli ma pe maini?
- Bai pe noi la Linux ne-au invatat sa nu ne pisam pe maini.

[•adib]

"Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!"     -- Bill Gates, 1981
"Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM."           -- Bill Gates, 1996
"Nobody will ever need Windows 95."             -- logical conclusion

[•adib]

It took me 4 years to crash an AS/400,
           4 months to crash a Linux-PC,
           4 weeks to crash an OS/2-PC,
           4 days to crash a Netware-server,
           4 hours to crash a Mac,
       and 4 minutes to crash a Windows-PC...

[•adib]

Unix is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows
is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus. -- Peter H. Coffin

[•radhookoo]

care e asemanarea dintre sani si trenuletul electric?
amandoua au fost proiectate pt copil, dar se joaca taticu cu ele.

[cristi8]

Superman scrie pe un zid: Batman e gay.
Batman scrie: Superman e Clark Kent

[•Coty]

" There's no place like 127.0.0.1 "

[•svalentin]

Question: How many Microsoft engineers do you need to replace a broken light-bulb?
Answer: None, Microsoft will standardize the darkness in such cases!

---

Windows makes Unix look like an operating system!

---

Question: What is the difference between Windows and an apple?
Answer: Apples only fall down once a year.

[•jhonny_2X4]

3x12=36
2x12=24
1x12=12
0x12=18

HEX!!!

[•Marius]

- Nu va suparati, caut strada X !
- Nu ma supar, cautati-o.

[•cos_min]

first:
Cand am plecat, sa vedeti ce mi s-a intamplat. Mergeam linistit pe Autostrada Soarelui cu 140 km/h, sa nu credeti ca e masina mea... era a unui prieten; un Porsche Cayenne. Din spate vad ca se apropie in viteza o... Dacia 1310.M-am gandit logic ca e "tunata", dar eu eram cu Porcheul asa ca am crescut viteza ...170...nu ma face pe mine, asta cu Dacia se tot apropia. Cresc viteza 200 km/h, dar ala spre marea mea uimire se tot apropia. Ii dau 240 !!! si sa vedeti la asta cu Dacia... ma ajunge, merge in paralel cu mine si deschide geamul; normal il deschid si eu, auzi ce ma intreaba: - Frate, nu te supara, cum schimb si eu viteza a doua ? 

second:

Badea Gheorghe a inceput sa repare acoperisul casei.
Partea buna e ca a ajuns in varful casei.
Partea proasta e ca a inceput sa alunece.
Partea buna e ca s-a prins de burlanul casei.
Partea proasta e ca burlanul s-a rupt.
Partea buna e ca sub el era o capita de fan.
Partea proasta e ca in capita era o furca cu tepii in sus.
Partea buna e ca n-a cazut pe furca.
Partea proasta e ca nici pe capita n-a cazut..

[•cezar305]

Bill Gates moare. Ajuns in fata lui Dumnezeu acesta ii zice :
- Pentru ca ai fost un om foarte important te las sa alegi unde vrei sa mergi : in iad sau in rai.
Dupa un timp de gandire Bill Gates zice:
- Pai , as avrea sa vad cum este fiecare loc, daca se poate.
Zis si facut.
Prima data Bill Gates se duce in iad. Acolo distractie la culme femei misto, bautura muzica, etc.
Dupa doua saptamani se duce si in rai. Ajuns acolo vede si el niste ingerasi care stateau pe norisori si cantau la harpa, in rest plictiseala.
Asa ca Bill Gates se duce laDumnezeu si ii zice ca vrea sa mearga in iad.
dupa vreo luna dumnezeu face o vizita in iad. Acolo il gaseste pe Bill Gates arzand intr-un cazan cu smoala.
Disperat Bill Gates striga:
-Doamne uite ce e aici. Nu seamana deloc cu ce era prima data cand am venit aici !
La care dumnezeu raspunde:
- That was just a demo !
 

[•cos_min]

In cimitir, groparul sapa linistit si din cand in cand mai tragea si din tigara. La un moment dat vede cum dintr-un mormant iese o mana. Sapa si fumeaza in continuare linistit. Nu dupa mult timp din pamant iese mortul cu totul. Groparul sapa si fumeaza in continuare linistit. Mortul incearca sa il sperie. Groparul sapa si fumeaza in continuare linistit. Vede mortul ca nu are ce sa-i faca, se indreapta spre gardul cimitirului si vrea sa sara. Dintr-o data se trezeste cu ditamai lopata dupa ceafa. Groparul: - Radem, glumim, da' nu parasim incinta. 

[•al3x3]

[•greco]

Un stelist si un rapidist se lauda cu performantele jucatorilor din echipele lor:

S: Banel Nicolita alearga 100 m in 11 secunde !
R: Daniel Niculae alearga 100 m in 8 secunde !!
S: Nu se poate !! Recordul mondial e 9.77 secunde...
R: Da, dar Nico stie o scurtatura...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anunt important: a fost sparta sala de trofee a clubului Rapid. S-au furat o masa si 3 scaune.

[•sima_cotizo]

Probleme de pilotaj. Sa nu se mai spuna ca inginerii n-au simtul umorului.
Mai jos sunt niste probleme notate de piloti de la Qantas (compania aeriana australiana) si solutiile inginerilor de la service.
(P=Problema semnalata de pilot, S=raspunsul inginerilor.)

P: Cauciucul principal de pe stanga aproape ca trebuie schimbat.
S: Aproape schimbat cauciucul principal de pe stanga.

P: Zborul ok, doar "aterizarea automata" cam dura.
S: "Aterizarea automata" nu este instalata pe acest avion.

P: Joaca ceva la bord.
S: Strans ceva la bord.

P: Gaze moarte pe parbriz.
S: Comandat gaze vii.

P: Semn de o scurgere la echipament aterizare dreapta.
S: Semn inlaturat.

P: Franele de frecare blocheaza valvele de viteza.
S: Asta le este scopul.

P: Sistemul IFF inoperabil.
S: Sistemul IFF intotdeauna inoperabil daca este OFF.

P: Suspectez crapatura in parbriz.
S: Suspectez ca ai dreptate.

P: Motor 3 lipsa.
S: Gasit motor 3 pe aripa dreapta dupa ce l-am cautat putin.

P: Avionul merge caraghios.
S: Avertizat avionul sa stea drept, sa zboare cum trebuie, si sa ia lucrurile in serios.

P: "Radarul tinta" bazaie.
S: Reprogramat "radarul tinta" sa cante cum trebuie.

P: Soricel la bord.
S: Instalat pisica.

P: Zgomot de sub bord. Suna ca un pitic care bate ceva cu ciocanul.
S: Confiscat ciocanul de la pitic.

[•CezarMocan]

Gigel: In lume tot al 5-lea om este chinez. Noi suntem 5 in familie. Poate o fi mama chinezoaica, poate tata. Poate o fi fratele meu mai mare Costel, sau fratele meu mai mic Li Xiao Pen. Totusi, cred ca e Costel.